comeback kid [rough edit]

by lynface

it seems no matter where I go, I consistently find myself coming back to this place. and to say so much has happened since March/April would be a running cliche that deems hella true. because yes, so much has happened since then.

first, I endured my first real heart break in the spring. and dammit that shit hella hurt. to be completely honest, it sometimes still hella hurts. but I’d like to think each day I’m doing better. I keep telling myself I have to be. I feel I’m in a better place to recognize that and to be honest with myself and my new solitude.

second, I am looking inwards for my purpose once again. after two years at my job, I am questioning with great intent if what I’m doing today is what I’m happy doing every day. my love for youth work and non-profits will always be at my core, but I’m starting to feel stagnant in the space I’m in right now. thus, I’ve explored the idea of a career change or a different role. within this, I’ve been mapping out my values, my goals, and my personal mission to seek out what’s next for me. and in-between, i’ve been googling/researching various career titles that may or may not lead me somewhere. but the idea is, I’m ready to try something new and maybe be uncomfortable doing it.

third, I am craving creativity. on an urgent level. there is this need in me to want to create something larger than myself and share it with my community. since the break up, I’ve been spending more time alone in my room navigating through the many projects I have in my head. I’ve been reading, writing, and listening to music so carefully. and all in connection to this larger purpose, this creation, this project I want to share with others. the only thing is? I have my doubts. I have my fear. I have the worries that I often carry with me when I get to this point. that’s the only thing stopping me and my creativity. until I can get passed that, until I can name this project aloud with bravery, this itch to create will still be there. it will continue to linger, and it won’t go away until I make something.

fourth, I realize I’m on a different timeline than most of my homegirls and most of the women my age. after going to 6 weddings in 2 months without a +1 anymore, I thought I was going to hate my life as a bridesmaid or as a guest. but instead, it reaffirmed that I’m okay with not saying a forever “I do” yet. I’m okay without having a cliche rustic wedding at a warehouse for now. I’m okay with just focusing on myself and making sure I’m becoming the best version of myself before I commit to another being again. I’m okay with all of that. and the irony is, it took me all these weddings to realize that I don’t want that right now. I want me and my own time right now. and there is no compromising with that.

fifth, I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. I hadn’t realized until this past March that I never knew how to take care of myself as much as I take care of others so willingly. my past relationship taught me so much how to love, and how to love hard. how to love with explicit nature and honesty. and to do so by doing good, hard work. but what I failed to do in that relationship was love and nurture my own self in the process. in turn, I’m learning how to finally love myself at my own pace and on my own terms. because slowly, I’m realizing how to forgive myself and be patient with myself. and know that the most important radical act I can do for myself is to truly listen, take care and love myself. that is my current mission. that is how I will heal. that is how I will find love and give love. that is why I am writing again. that is why I’m here.

so while I’m still in progress, still healing, still figuring out this thing I thought was love, this person I thought I was, I am now working on becoming and reminding myself that it’s okay to be taking this long to figure all this out. because I eventually will. and when I do, I’ll write it here. you have my word.

(feels good to be back.)