Just me, my tea and quiet
“Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.”
It’s Friday night and I’m at home. I just boiled some water and now my loose leaf teas are blooming into an aroma that’s calming me. I’ve turned my phone on silent and just put Mikka (my dog) into bed. And here I am alone in my living room with nothing but the mere sound of silence comforting me.
Now in writing this I realize I sound lightweight depressing right now. Shoots, I probably even sound like a loner. But in all actuality this is exactly how I wanted my Friday night to be. About two hours before this, my boys called me and asked me the usual question they ask when Friday hits: “Yo, what’s goin on tonight?” And most of the time, I’ll reply, “Idk, what’s goin on?” Then soon as the dialogue continues we’ve come to a conclusion as to where, when and what we’re going to be doing in a matter of minutes.
But tonight my dialogue with the homies didn’t end that way. Tonight I vowed to stay in, have a night on my own and rest my mind in quiet’s company.
And honestly, I couldn’t be anymore at peace.
Because when I look back at my past, I never used to be this way. I didn’t feel like I ever wanted to be alone. I never wanted to be alone. I constantly found myself surrounded by distractions. Day in and day out, I wanted noise. I wanted company. I wanted music blasting and dancing to always happen. I wanted to be distracted of life’s worries and life’s embraces and just cruise. Cruise to the nearest universe of positive vibes inflicted upon me by other people. All. The. Time.
But tonight? I seek a form of balance that I can’t find in anyone else but my own self. And I’ve vowed to look for it on my own.
Because at this moment the idea of solitude doesn’t seem to scare me like it used to. Instead it’s grown into a space of comfort for me. A space where I can delve into the impossible, reflect on the internal and embrace the complexities of my time and mind. Tonight the idea of solitude instead heals me rather than breaks me.
And I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that I’ve come this far to have grown into someone who can appreciate time away, time apart, time alone. Whom understands the idea of balance versus bullshit. Whom realizes that Friday nights don’t always have to start with pre-fades and end in pure debauchery. Whom realizes that some days like these are okay. That life isn’t always chaos. That living this way isn’t sad or selfish – it’s healthy. That life can be subtle, simple and purely therapeutic. And that some of the most beautiful of days can be endured alone because balance deems it necessary. Necessary for this mind of mine to reach peace and to reach a balance where finally my own time, my own mind and my own heart are all breathing at their own pace.
“Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.”
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Quoted: “How to be Alone” by. Tanya Davis
XII 