“Manifesting clear what I want, and not settling for anything less than that.” – Maryam Hasnaa, from the Friend Zone podcast episode: “Keep That Same Energy”
I feel blessed to begin 2019 this way.
on the eve of Christmas, I’m here at a coffee shop plotting my next move. in true fashion, I am back home. and I have been doing only the following since I’ve been here:
it’s been a great feeling to do all the aforementioned without the need to go to work or worry about a student’s college applications. and honestly, it’s been nice to be home and to slow down before the year ends. though I still have my urges to travel, run errands, and maneuver through the suburbs in a forceful habit of treating it like the city, I’m slowly learning how to remain calm and patient — and most importantly — learning how to stay put.
my kuya’s teaching me that.
he has been the most patient and mindful individual I’ve had in my life since day one. and these holidays are no different. since my kuya is renting a house in Cupertino, his home has truly created a larger Home for my family and I in theory. we haven’t had a place we could all comfortably share space in since I went off to college. I can’t remember the last time we were able to share a meal sitting at the dinner table or a place we could call our own, even if it is just to watch the Warriors or Sharks on TV.
so last night was hella, hella special for us. It was my mom’s birthday, the Eve, Eve of Christmas and her only request was to eat chow mein on her birthday and to be surrounded by my dad, kuya, and I. my brother took that request to heart. we decorated the house with a Christmas tree we bought in the beginning of *December and went to a hole in the wall Chinese food spot that reminded us of the one we grew up with and set up the house for my mom and dad to come by for dinner.
what seemed like such a small act meant the world for my dad and mom. we all haven’t been able to celebrate birthdays, celebrate each other, celebrate life with one another for over 10 years. last night all of our hardships and challenges left, and we were in each other’s company laughing and truly living like there was no worry in the whole world. we ate in peace, something we take for granted each day. we pampered my mom with gifts and cake. and we gave our parents an impromptu anniversary photo shoot in front of the tree. it was beautiful, and beyond anything I’ve ever imagined could happen again.
for that, this year’s holidays have been special already and it’s not exactly Christmas yet. all I ever wanted for my parents was this: a home to share, laugh, and be comfortable in. their joy is what i work for every day and for that to happen last night for that moment, makes these holidays the best one yet.
happy bday, Ma. merry xmas, Pa. we love you. and you both will always deserve the world.
[draft]
*something we haven’t done since we were kids and one of the only things my mom has ever wanted every Christmas since we lost our home
I remember growing up Thanksgiving signaled an ice hockey tournament in either Sacramento, Los Angeles, or at the nearby rink. my family and I spent it in a cold arena with other families screaming at every play and warming ourselves up with hot chocolate from the vending machine near the stands. we were surrounded by other families too, who bought snacks and food from the gas station nearby. who never had turkey but a good road trip to a championship. this is what my Thanksgiving looked like until I was about 15 or 16 years old — a Filipino family surrounded by their love for each other and the game of ice hockey. plus no clue that Thanksgiving was any form of a holiday.
now fast forward to the present. my kuya and I are now in our thirties and today’s holiday among our extended families are slim. it’s often spent with just my parents, and my cousin who’s basically our sibling. it’s relaxed, it’s small, and it’s spent with a modest collection of our favorite dishes. it’s about the simplicity of presence and the time with one another. it is humble, and never flashy. in fact, as I type this, my dad is cooking sopas (my favorite of his and a recipe passed down from my Nanay), my mom is sitting on the couch listening to Christmas music my dad’s collected and played every year since I can remember. as she listens with her eyes closed, and my dad cooks in the kitchen, I’m waiting for my kuya to come over so we can have dinner with our small family. it’s a small gesture, but it means the world to me.
I am grateful, super grateful to be home this year.
it seems no matter where I go, I consistently find myself coming back to this place. and to say so much has happened since March/April would be a running cliche that deems hella true. because yes, so much has happened since then.
first, I endured my first real heart break in the spring. and dammit that shit hella hurt. to be completely honest, it sometimes still hella hurts. but I’d like to think each day I’m doing better. I keep telling myself I have to be. I feel I’m in a better place to recognize that and to be honest with myself and my new solitude.
second, I am looking inwards for my purpose once again. after two years at my job, I am questioning with great intent if what I’m doing today is what I’m happy doing every day. my love for youth work and non-profits will always be at my core, but I’m starting to feel stagnant in the space I’m in right now. thus, I’ve explored the idea of a career change or a different role. within this, I’ve been mapping out my values, my goals, and my personal mission to seek out what’s next for me. and in-between, i’ve been googling/researching various career titles that may or may not lead me somewhere. but the idea is, I’m ready to try something new and maybe be uncomfortable doing it.
third, I am craving creativity. on an urgent level. there is this need in me to want to create something larger than myself and share it with my community. since the break up, I’ve been spending more time alone in my room navigating through the many projects I have in my head. I’ve been reading, writing, and listening to music so carefully. and all in connection to this larger purpose, this creation, this project I want to share with others. the only thing is? I have my doubts. I have my fear. I have the worries that I often carry with me when I get to this point. that’s the only thing stopping me and my creativity. until I can get passed that, until I can name this project aloud with bravery, this itch to create will still be there. it will continue to linger, and it won’t go away until I make something.
fourth, I realize I’m on a different timeline than most of my homegirls and most of the women my age. after going to 6 weddings in 2 months without a +1 anymore, I thought I was going to hate my life as a bridesmaid or as a guest. but instead, it reaffirmed that I’m okay with not saying a forever “I do” yet. I’m okay without having a cliche rustic wedding at a warehouse for now. I’m okay with just focusing on myself and making sure I’m becoming the best version of myself before I commit to another being again. I’m okay with all of that. and the irony is, it took me all these weddings to realize that I don’t want that right now. I want me and my own time right now. and there is no compromising with that.
fifth, I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. I hadn’t realized until this past March that I never knew how to take care of myself as much as I take care of others so willingly. my past relationship taught me so much how to love, and how to love hard. how to love with explicit nature and honesty. and to do so by doing good, hard work. but what I failed to do in that relationship was love and nurture my own self in the process. in turn, I’m learning how to finally love myself at my own pace and on my own terms. because slowly, I’m realizing how to forgive myself and be patient with myself. and know that the most important radical act I can do for myself is to truly listen, take care and love myself. that is my current mission. that is how I will heal. that is how I will find love and give love. that is why I am writing again. that is why I’m here.
so while I’m still in progress, still healing, still figuring out this thing I thought was love, this person I thought I was, I am now working on becoming and reminding myself that it’s okay to be taking this long to figure all this out. because I eventually will. and when I do, I’ll write it here. you have my word.
(feels good to be back.)
our harsh truths
line our lips with words
crucial and critical
to the verbatim of fear
of resentment
of understanding
of healing
ringing verbatim
moving in circles
repeatedly
we shed parts
of ourselves
through sharp tongues
defending ourselves
in ways that reveal
we are
in search of hope
that will manifest
into action
into growth
into light
into fruits
as I walk in insecurities blanket my being
surfacing as anger in plight
I begin to hear sounds only familiar to me
through closed doors and privacy
I stand there isolated
defending the color of my skin
before it’s even questioned
guards up like barbwire
I sharpen my tongue
with eyes piercing through me
as a brown woman surrounded by white faces
I begin to surrender:
“am I taking up space?”
my (internal) hate triggering
reminding me that everything I am
everything I am feeling
deems non-existent
because I am irrelevant
surviving in this city as it rapidly transforms / I grasp for its authenticity and sustainability / so our identities can remain present in this space / rightfully so / but that is the battle / to remain present / to remain intact
I am learning that the more I try to hold onto the idea of you, the more we are distant
I am learning that I need to focus on myself — in all forms: physical, mental, and emotional
I am learning that if we are going to make this work, we need to put in the work on both ends
I am learning that the more I try to communicate to you, the more I turn back to writing
I am learning that to survive this city with you, I need to keep at my own pace (time and space)
I am learning that sometimes I am best on my own
I am learning that the way you and I love and the way we show care are in different forms, and that’s okay
And I am learning that actually, all of the above is okay, as long as you meet me halfway
As long as we keep trying
so far twenty nine has shown me
how hard I love
how difficult it is to love me
how the love i want to see
at times is not tangible
but i feel it
and i hold onto it
grip love with my hands to my chest
and breathe in, eyes closed
to remind myself i am alive
and i am loved
though i can’t feel it
i can’t hold onto it
i can’t see it
it is not tangible
i love hard
for the both of us
because
all the love i know
is nothing less
nothing simple
it’s me
all in
“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape”
– bell hooks
I am learning how to let you go at certain times—to allow you and I to breathe on our own. I need to acknowledge this space between you and I in order to allow for room to grow. I need to stop relying on you to fill this void; this insecurity that seeps through my mind and heart daily. I need to remind myself that I, above all, comes first and that I should prioritize myself every day. I am learning how to let you go, so I can find myself again. And be comfortable with my likes, dislikes, and explore what my true purpose is. I need to do so in order to fuel my very being without your lens and instead, find my own clarity. I need to stop being dependent on you, so we can love better. Love harder. Love with more intention and ease.
I need to love myself again, as much as I have learned to love you.
XII 